When you get a “HALLELUJAH!” moment

It’s been a week since I last put my thoughts down on paper, and it’s been a really tough week.

I got weighed on Saturday, and I’d put 3½ lbs on.  It was no surprise, my eating had been out of control and I seemed to care less and less about what I ate or how much I ate.  Maybe saying I didn’t care isn’t quite right though, it was more like I just had no control.  Everything that went in my mouth made me feel more and more helpless.

On Wednesday, we had a little Christmas buffet on our team at work.  We ordered a couple of big pizzas to share between the 9 of us, and there were loads of biscuits, little cheesecakes, profiteroles, chocolates and the like.  I had my share, then carried on eating after the meeting too.  The urge had been triggered and I kept going until the inevitable happened.  Mid-afternoon, I started to feel rather unwell. 

As usual, my first response was to get my Blood Glucose testing kit out and see what level my sugars were at……19.5!!!  Not good at all.  I went for a walk for half an hour to get them down to a less unhealthy level, but this plan was soon scuppered, because I got back to work and started on the leftovers. My Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting was at 6pm, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.  

As soon as I started to think about that, my mind-set subconsciously started to change.  I was aware of something very strange going on in my head, but I couldn’t work out what it was.  I worked until just before 6 then trotted over to the meeting venue.

The meeting discussion worked its way towards trigger foods, working out the foods that send us into that downward spiral and into a binge.  Whilst someone else was talking, I sat and thought “I have no idea what foods trigger me”, then I heard it…..a voice that felt like it was coming from the very top of my head.  It said……

“Yeah you do! Biscuits! Talk about DENIAL!!! When was the last time you had one biscuit without going on to eat loads more?”

And there it was, my HALLELUJAH! moment.  I’d identified, no…..more like acknowledged my first “red list” food item.  So was it plain sailing after that?  Of course not.  I needed to share with the group……

“Hello, my name is Graham and I’m a Compulsive Overeater”

“Hello Graham”

Remember, OA is a spiritual not a religious program.  People of faith tend to recognise their higher power as being God.  Non-religious people still have a higher power, just one that isn’t God.

I told the group that I had experienced the first contact from my “higher power” and it turns out that he’s as sarcastic as me.  I told them about the conversation he’d started by scoffing at me thinking I didn’t know any of my trigger foods.  I then went on to list my favourite biscuits, stem ginger cookies, crunch creams, digestive caramels….and I went on and on.  The more varieties I listed, the more I came to realise just how much of a massive trigger these things are.

I then went on to say that the argument in my head carried on, with me saying….

“Maybe one last packet of stem ginger cookies”

(not one cookie, you notice, but the whole packet). 

“Now what good is that?  It’ll only be the latest in a long line of the last this or the final that.  If we’re going to beat this, we need to start now and not prevaricating.”

And he was right, the part of me that was saying “one last packet” is the part of me I’m trying to get rid of.  That part is the compulsion, and that compulsion will always be there if you carry on satisfying and feeding it.

I have this Cherokee proverb stuck to my computer at work, and it’s something I need to try and remember every single day.  This epiphany I’ve had reminds me so much of this.

Last night was my 5^th OA meeting.  However, this was the first one that I haven’t followed up with stopping at the shop on the way home to buy loads of crappy stuff to binge on.  I drove home with a big smile on my face, and couldn’t wait to share what I felt was a huge achievement with her.

Instead of filling my face with rubbish, I ended up having a tuna & pasta bake with onions and mushrooms and chorizo.  It was delicious, and tasted even better because I knew what an “on-plan” meal represented.  It meant my willpower had beaten my compulsion.  It meant I’d chosen the good wolf.

Another eating habit of mine has been to wait until everyone is in bed, then going scouting for food.  It’s usually a packet of crisps (or two), a bowl of cereal with loads of sugar on, sausage rolls or chicken & mushroom slices.  Sometimes it’d be chocolate or ice cream that I’ve hidden from everyone.  Last night, thanks to the sarcastic higher power that I’ve named “The Voice” (partly because calling it that makes me think of the brilliant song by Ultravox, a happy thought), and thanks to things that other OA members shared that resonated with me, I made it to bed time without any drama or, more importantly, food.

So that’s it, I’ve taken a couple of steps forward and I feel a whole lot better as a result.  I need to bottle this feeling and remember it.  The good wolf has had its first bit of attention for quite some time.