The kind of cycle you hate

I attended another OA session last night, and once again afterwards I felt compelled to eat the sorts of foods I’d rather not be eating.

I had planned on a shop bought pizza, something I have at the end of each month, but there were other things I bought and secretly consumed.  This gives those feelings of guilt and shame that are so destructive in the binge eating cycle.

When I went to bed last night, I felt ill, over full and deeply ashamed. 

I try and rationalise this by saying it’s the demons kicking off at me seeking help and control over them.  There’ll be plenty of you who think that this is just me excusing my actions, but as I’ve said in previous blogs, this is a compulsion.

Compulsion – noun

1              The action or state of forcing or being forced to do something; constraint

2              An irresistible urge to behave in a certain way.

When you look at that second definition, you can see why the behaviours with food are compulsions and not choices.

If you simply MUST have that cup of coffee before you do anything on a morning, it’s a compulsion.  Something you have little or no control over.

If you absolutely HAVE TO have a cigarette after a big meal, there’s that compulsion again.  You might say “Yeah but that’s different, I’m addicted to cigarettes”…

Addiction – noun

-       The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity

You might be surprised to know that you can be addicted to an activity.  When you’re addicted to something, you are compelled to do or consume it.  So the two words, two definitions and two states of being are very similar.

This is why it’s so very difficult to change your behaviour and relationship with food.  This is why Overeaters Anonymous uses the same steps and process as Alcoholics Anonymous, and the only things they change are the words “Alcoholic” to “Compulsive Overeater” and “alcohol” to “food”.  Everything else is the same.

So, back to the personal effect that last night’s efforts had on me.

I measured my blood sugar levels at 8am, and they were up at 15.4 (normal for the morning before food is below 6.1).  Did I amend my behaviour? No, the trolley came and I had a sandwich and a packet of crisps, then because it’s 1^st December, someone cracked open the special biscuits.  I have had 4.

I feel guilty for having had 4.  It’s just as well it’s a big box and I have to time to redeem myself and abstain.  I tested my bloods at 12:15 and they had gone up to 18.6!

I feel itchy, very tired, ache everywhere and all the added psychological crap that goes along with this illness.

I’m looking at the delicious fruit I brought with me, bananas, apples, clementines….I love all of them, but I don’t want to eat any of them.  I don’t want the soup I have in the fridge for my dinner.  I just want to carry on eating the stuff that makes me feel bad.

It just doesn’t make sense, there is no logic to this whatsoever.  But then again, there wouldn’t be, would there.  Maybe that’s part of the reason I keep relapsing.  I look for the logic when there’s none to be found.

The plan for the rest of the day then –

Well, I’m joining the gym tonight.  I was a member of one in the town we used to live in, but since we moved in April, I have hardly ever been.  So I cancelled that membership.  I’m now joining one near where I live.

I have actually missed it.  Exercise has such a positive effect on your wellbeing and state of mind.  Doing even moderate exercise makes your body release the “feel good” chemicals into your brain.  Even if the gym is too much to consider, just go for as brisk a walk as you can manage.  If you currently do nothing at all, build up slowly, and take medical advice before you do anything.

As for the food, I daren’t make any plans.  I’m going to take things hour by hour and see how that goes.  There’s no point saying “Right, that’s it! I’m done”, then deride myself a little time later when a biscuit passes my lips again.  That’s the path to guilt and shame and it would start all over again.

That’s me done for now.  If you want to follow this blog –

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