Onwards and downwards

Hello again

It has been an interesting few days since the last blog.  Sorry if I repeat anything.  I don't look back on my older posts before I put a new one up.  I suppose it won't hurt to repeat things though, you never know who is reading for the first time.

I had some lovely feedback on my last post.  A couple of lovely comments, and other messages on Facebook too. 

It's a weird feeling though, getting praise.  And even more weird is being able to accept it.  For such a long time, I have been very uncomfortable receiving compliments and I have subconsciously rebelled against it.  I've gone out of my way to do things that I can criticise myself for or feel bad about. 

Earlier this year, I had a course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  That has helped me so much!  Even though I still show signs of the old me, I am much better than I was.  I can say "Thank you" to a compliment now, rather than something derogatory about myself.

"Oh well done, Graham! You've lost 5 lbs this week!"
"Would have been more if I hadn't had a meltdown / caved into the chocolates / ordered that pizza" or whatever I could find to say it wasn't as good as it should have been.  The feeling of not being good enough is a problem that has plagued me throughout my life.

My parents' idea of motivation was to drive me on to be as good as I could be.  That's not wrong in itself.  However, the effect it had on me was a negative one.  If I got 10 A grades and a B on my school reports, they'd concentrate on the B that I got and ignore the successful parts of the report.

I do not blame my parents for what's happened to me mentally, they did what they did because they thought that would stand me in good stead.  They weren't to know that I would subconsciously collapse under the pressure of expectation.  A lot of that expectation I have put on myself too.  The CBT has helped a huge amount to let me get over that, at least in part.

I'm pretty sure that this is why I've lost more than 4 stones on 4 different occasions in my life.  If I'm not "failing", I'll go out of my way to make sure I do.  I'm hoping that number 5 will be the last time I lose a large amount of weight. 

The hypnotherapy session has already paid off at least 6 times.  By that I mean that I have successfully fought off the urge to binge on 6 different occasions in the 11 days since I had my session.  That sense of achievement and the power to say no has been wonderful, so freeing.

There have been times that I haven't been able to say no, but I guess that's always going to happen.  It's about learning to draw a line under it, and forgive yourself, and move on.  That is behaviour that can be learnt.

So this week, here are a couple of snaps of meals I've had.

Smoked river cobbler, with mixed leaf salad and sun-dried tomatoes (definitely worth the syns).
I used balsamic vinegar as a dressing.  Just 2.5 syns for the yummy tomatoes

<< Pasta and tuna with little gem lettuce, pickled onions, 2 syns worth of sun-dried tomatoes, grated carrot, red onion and 1.5 syns of lighter than light mayonnaise.

>> 3 Tesco Healthy Living 1 syn Cumberland sausages, two bacon medallions, Slimming World chips (1.5 syns of oil), beans and an onion omelette.

And the result of this week's efforts?  A nice, healthy weight loss !

Plus I got a lovely little cuddle with this beautiful young lady.  This is Grace, 3 weeks old and just perfect.  She's the daughter of another Slimming World member.  A lovely way to start the weekend.

Today, I've started a new plan.
I'm abandoning my Saturday treat night and trying to keep to 15 syns a day (I'm on 25 officially).  But the biggest change I'm going to make is that I am going to use my syns for cooking.  I believe that the best way to stick to any sort of diet is to make it feel as much like normal eating as you can.

The picture with the sausages above was my dinner, 4.5 syns in total.  And tonight, I had some of the curry my wife cooked. With the oil and the curry sauce, my portion came to 6 syns. 

I've had a small Skyr yoghurt too - 1 syn (high in protein and delicious)






I've got some vegetable and chicken soup to have for the next few days.  I'm going to do some "cooked breakfast in tupperware" to take to work.  Then it's just a case of planning the evening meals.  I'll let you know what I get up to :)

Stay safe, and forgive yourself if you falter.

Happy New Year

Hello again

So it’s been a bit longer than intended since my first blog…sorry.

The first weigh in of the New Year came on 2^nd January.  I’d only gained ½ lb since Christmas Eve! I was chuffed to bits.  That made the December gain 17½lbs, but that had a really bad spell of binge eating, a bad chest infection, Christmas, and my birthday.  It’s a big gain in 4 weeks, but it’s not the end of the world.

I started the following week, if I’m honest, only semi-determined.  There was still a lot of temptation, a lot of goodies at work and at home, and a few days the demons got the better of me.  I think the good days won 4-3 over that week.  The bad days were just non-stop munching on sweets and biscuits at work.  However, when the Monday came around I made it back to the gym for the first time since 7^th December.  That felt good!!  

On the Wednesday evening, I had my first ever hypnotherapy session.  It’s something I’ve wanted to try for ages, to see if it could help to give me the strength to fight the binge eating and the self-loathing.

It was just brilliant! First session is doing a lot of groundwork, giving her all the information from me and my past, so she knows what she's dealing with. It is therapy after all, not magic :)

It's nothing like TV or stage hypnotism so forget that if that's your idea of how it was.  It was more like diving into the depths of your mind being guided by somebody’s voice.  The mind is hugely powerful, just imagine what it would be like if we could get it working for us instead of against us.
I already feel stronger. So much so that I went from the firm plan of pizza, chocolate and crisps as a "reward" for going, to coming home and having my syn free pasta bolognese!

One thing she said to me is to try and break the habit of calling my inner saboteurs “demons”.  She told me to try and think of all of the conflicting thoughts as different parts of me that all want the best for me.  It’s just that the part of me that reaches for the bad food thinks it’s comforting me, it’s trying to make me feel better or rewarding me by giving me things that it knows I enjoy eating.  It doesn’t know that it’s hurting me, and it doesn’t mean to.  It’s given me a totally different perspective.  

More gym classes on the Thursday and the Friday, then Saturday morning was upon me, and it was time for weigh in…..

I wasn’t massively confident, I knew I’d eaten a lot of things that I shouldn’t, and that I was well over my Syns allowance (Slimming World thing for those who don’t know), but my meal choices had been much better.  So what was the result of this iffy week?  A 1½ lb loss! What a pleasant surprise, and just the boost I needed.

I think the lesson I had reinforced that week, and one that many others can take comfort from, is that you don’t have to be bang on it to lose the weight.  Keep trying, don’t let one bad meal make a bad day, or one episode with the biscuits lead to a massive pizza (or whatever meal you’d go to for “comfort”), and don’t let one bad day make a bad week.

4 good days, 3 bad….still led to a weight loss.

Take things an hour at a time if that works.  If you find yourself heading for the chocolate, set yourself a limit.  “OK, I really want the chocolate, it’s half past 2….if I still want it at half past 3, then have it”.  That might sound defeatist, but let’s be realistic.  No one is going to be 100% on plan forever.  Think of the long game.

WEEK COMMENCING 9^th (my weigh day is a Saturday, that’s my day 1)

I used a lot of syns at the weekend, but I had planned to.  I did pay for it though, as the demons took this as a way in….does anyone else feel like that?  If you can keep them out, you’re ok.  But give them an opportunity to mess with your head and they’ll go for it?  

So Monday started off well, I’d cooked a healthy syn free breakfast casserole (basically a type of pastry-less quiche with onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, potatoes, bacon, beans in it), and syn free pasta Bolognese.  I also had fruit, carrot sticks with reduced fat hummus (worth the syns!) and plenty of water.  However, mid afternoon came along and the call of the afternoon trolley was irresistible.  That led to a pie, a packet of crisps, a chocolate bar, loads of biscuits….all before I left work.  Then on the walk back to the car….a big bag of Minstrels.  I was disgusted with myself.

I still went to the gym that night, did a Body Pump and a Body Combat class.  Before I went in, I was convinced I would be heading to the Pringles and Chocolates afterwards.  But I didn’t, I just headed home!  I was so pleased with myself! 

Even then, I managed to spoil it.  I had some Stollen before bedtime, and then still went looking for more sweet stuff.  I even went looking at some cake that was well past its best.  If it had been even remotely edible, I’d have eaten it.  But I threw it away.  That’s not an achievement though, that was purely because I couldn’t have it. 

I went to bed feeling like I’d been 4-0 down at half time, fought all the way back to 4-4…..then gave away a last minute penalty.

It’s almost like I’m scared of success, like I have to do something, anything that will make me feel bad about myself, or make me feel like I’d failed.

Now the good news…

It’s currently 10pm on Wednesday 13^th January and I can say that I have been totally on plan for the last two days.  Not one piece of unplanned food has passed my lips.  I’ve walked past the biscuits and the sweets all over the place at work, I’ve ignored the goodies trolley every time it’s come along, and I’ve had healthy food all the way.  

Of course, it’s way too early to say that the hypnotherapy has worked completely, but I am putting this step in the right direction down to the after effects of my first session.

Keep on going, keep on trying.  Even if it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back, it’s still progress.

I’ll be back on Saturday.  Goodnight