Filled with uncertainty

I talked to my wife about Slimming World last week, saying that I'm not sure that it's the best thing for me whilst I'm trying to beat the Binge Eating.

She made some very valid points.  By going to a group every week, I get support from people who can appreciate how hard it is, even though they don't necessarily suffer from B.E.D. She also pointed out that it helps me combat the Social Anxiety Disorder too.  She would be worried that I'd go backwards on that front if I stopped going.

I checked the Slimming World website to see if they offer any advice for people who suffer from Binge Eating.  Their response took me by surprise.  I found this in the "Need a little help?" bit.

I have an eating disorder. Can I still join Slimming World?

Last Updated: Jun 03, 2016 06:27PM BST

We feel that joining a Slimming World group or our Online only service may not be the best solution for your weight management at present.

Although we would love to be able to help, eating disorders are not our area of expertise. We believe that for your long term health and safety you would be best supported by trained professionals in this field. We would encourage you to speak to your doctor or practice nurse regarding your weight concerns. They should be able to give appropriate guidance and possibly a referral to a specialist in this area

On reflection, I completely understand and agree with the Slimming World stance to this. The army of SW consultants are fabulous, but they're not trained experts in tackling eating disorders.  These are best tackled with and by professional medical and mental health practitioners.

For example, their are areas of the SW plan that are almost counter to the things that you should be doing when you're combating bingeing or compulsive overeating problems.  As I said in my last post, I binged last week on grapes and crabsticks.

However, a binge on healthy food is better than a binge on other stuff.  Following the SW plan does not stop me from tackling my eating disorder.  I am living evidence that Slimming World will only help you lose weight as part of an overall plan of attack.  The Binge Eating Disorder is over-riding the SW plan at the moment, but I'd rather stick with the healthy eating habits I've developed since joining than go it alone.

I am recounting this to you because when I first read what SW said, I was a little upset, like they were saying "you're going to be too difficult a case, we'd rather not have you", but that's not what they're saying at all.  They are giving the very best advice, go and seek professional help.  It would be easy for a company to say nothing and just take people's money but they aren't doing that.  Good on you SW.

I had a text discussion with a target member at my group on Saturday and told her what was going through my head.  She also said that I should keep going, that everyone knows how hard it is to lose weight and break habits and that nobody judges anyone.  And she's right, it often turns into something akin to a group therapy session! 

So, I've come to the conclusion that quitting Slimming World would do me personally more harm than good.

I'll tackle the disorder, and follow the SW plan as much as I can.  At least that will keep me healthy between binges.

If you want to follow this blog, go to the top of the page on the left hand side and stick your email address in the box.

Thanks for reading.  

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Isn’t it funny how you find things that help you, then stop doing them? 

 

This has been the way of life for me for the last few months now.  But rather than a post of self-pity, this is one of hope.  It’s not an expectation, and the path ahead will be tough and, at times, require me to be brutally honest with myself and others around me.

 

Something happened to me yesterday, and I feel all at sea today. 

 

I’d had a good day on the food front.  I had fruit for breakfast, left over cottage pie for lunch, and a packet of crisps from the afternoon snack trolley at work.

 

The positive part of this is that I have confirmed that crisps are actually a big trigger for me.  They are a comfort food, and one that just makes me want to carry on eating.  It’s what happened after this just goes to show how different approaches and different plans can be right and wrong at the same time.

 

I got the urge, the demons started talking……….

“Here we go!!! We’re in and he can hear us again…..EAT EAT EAT EAT!!!!!”    

 

It was mid-afternoon, and I needed to get a few things from the shop.  Just basics like potatoes, milk, spread etc. but the voices were screaming FEEEEEED USSSSSSS!!!!!!

 

I stood there, looking at the crisps, the chocolate….wandered round to the cakes and lovely stuff in the fridges.  I fought off the urge and went and brought crabsticks and a big tub of grapes.  That felt good!! I bought stuff that is Slimming World friendly (zero syns). I’d seen off the demons …. or so I thought.

 

This illness is a devious, deceitful, manipulative monster.

 

On Wednesday evenings, I attend Overeaters Anonymous.  It has the same 12 steps and 12 traditions that other programs like Alcoholics Anonymous use for recovery.  Binge Eating Disorder is frighteningly similar to alcoholism or a drug dependency.  You do feel out of control, like someone else is pulling the strings.  You think illogically and make decisions that any sane person wouldn’t.  So the 12 steps program fits well with that pattern of behaviour.

 

At yesterday’s meeting, I sat and listened to one member who talked about how, at their worst, they could binge on absolutely anything.  Whether it’s carrots, or sprouts, or beans, or apples, the pattern of behaviour and the unhealthy relationship with food is exactly the same as if it had been chocolate, or ice cream, or sweets, or whatever food it is you turn too.

 

It taught me that a healthy eating binge is still a binge.  It’s the compulsion and not the choice of food that is the behavioural issue that needs addressing.

 

I’m also a member of Slimming World.  It works, it’s a great plan and I believe in it completely.  I enjoy the food I eat and lose weight when I’m on plan and I’m going to carry on following it.  I also enjoy the social side of it, and the new food ideas I get from other people.

 

However, I will have to carefully combine the SW plan with my Binge Eating recovery.

SW says that you should “fill up” on “free” foods until you’re satisfied and comfortable. 

For me though, there’s no “Off” button.  I don’t get that message that says “OK, that’s enough for me, I’m full”.  My brain will go into overdrive and compel me to eat and eat and eat until I have reached that point of feeling bloated, over-full, uncomfortable, fat and mentally destroyed.

 

The grapes and the crabsticks that I bought were inhaled (all of them) in around 15 minutes.  I wasn’t hungry, it was a compulsion to eat.  I didn’t need them and even though the SW plan correctly allows them, it was still an out-of-control binge and not part of my planned food for that day.  Even though I had the strength to buy healthier food, I was powerless when it came to eating sensibly.

Physically, it wasn’t as damaging as a chocolate binge, but mentally, it was exactly the same pattern of behaviour.  If I don’t address that repeating pattern, the willpower that steered me to grapes instead of crisps won’t win out every time.

 

So, the demons won.  They demanded to be fed, and I fed them. I lost.  Yes, I may have hit a 30-yard screamer that will be remembered, but the demons still won the match.

 

How I can tell that they won is because after the OA meeting, I stopped at the shop again, and got all the stuff that I wanted but didn’t buy earlier in the day.  The demons had their foot in the door, and I was powerless to prevent it.

 

The sense of hopelessness and failure that follows a binge is all part of the cycle.  The guilt sets in, then the need to restrict eats away at you.  Eventually, the restrictions you place on yourself become unmanageable and you crack……the demons start on at you again and you head back to the start of the binge cycle.

 

Like any cycle, it’s hard to break and that’s why I am attending OA.  It will help, it has to.

 

The other thing I took from last night’s meeting is that a trigger food isn’t always going to be a trigger food, and a safe food may not always be safe.  This is why you constantly have to review where you are and how the relationship with food is. 

 

The same person I talked about earlier said that they have had to put strawberries on their “red list”, because when they’ve been eating them, it’s led to unhealthy thoughts and danger signs started flashing.  After reflecting, they noticed that the same thing happened the last time they’d eaten strawberries.

 

It’s not the food itself, it’s the behaviour that led to the binge and the reaction to the binge that is the part that needs to be tackled.   Strawberries may well go back on to their “safe list” at some point, but for now they’re a no-go area to them.

 

I’m at Step 1, I’ve reached it and accepted it. Step 1 is to admit that I am powerless over food, and that my life has become unmanageable.  I am not absolving myself of blame by saying this, I am saying that I need help and I can’t do it alone.  Left to my own devices, I might stay well for a while but it will come back eventually.  Willpower only carries me so far, it’s not a total defence and never will be.

 

For more information on Overeaters Anonymous, please visit www.oagb.org.uk (unless you’re in another country, then go to the main website which is www.oa.org)

 

There are a lot of references to God in the literature, but if you’re not religious, don’t let this put you off.  It’s most definitely got a spiritual rather than religious base.

Your “higher power” may be a cat for all it matters. 

Above all else, you have to do whatever it is that helps you get through your battles.  Admitting you've lost the battle today does not mean you're beaten, it just means you've lost the battle today.

If you have the strength of willpower that carries you all the way to your goals without needing much in the way of outside support, then you are a wonder.  If you can bottle it and sell it, put me down for the first bottle!!

If you're like me and lose the plot occasionally, then hate that you have lost the plot, and then hate yourself for not being able to sort yourself out, then keep searching.  Help is out there, don't try and battle on alone.  Reach out and find whatever works for you.  Overeaters Anonymous may work for me, I hope it does.  

Keep going.

Onwards and downwards

Hello again

It has been an interesting few days since the last blog.  Sorry if I repeat anything.  I don't look back on my older posts before I put a new one up.  I suppose it won't hurt to repeat things though, you never know who is reading for the first time.

I had some lovely feedback on my last post.  A couple of lovely comments, and other messages on Facebook too. 

It's a weird feeling though, getting praise.  And even more weird is being able to accept it.  For such a long time, I have been very uncomfortable receiving compliments and I have subconsciously rebelled against it.  I've gone out of my way to do things that I can criticise myself for or feel bad about. 

Earlier this year, I had a course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  That has helped me so much!  Even though I still show signs of the old me, I am much better than I was.  I can say "Thank you" to a compliment now, rather than something derogatory about myself.

"Oh well done, Graham! You've lost 5 lbs this week!"
"Would have been more if I hadn't had a meltdown / caved into the chocolates / ordered that pizza" or whatever I could find to say it wasn't as good as it should have been.  The feeling of not being good enough is a problem that has plagued me throughout my life.

My parents' idea of motivation was to drive me on to be as good as I could be.  That's not wrong in itself.  However, the effect it had on me was a negative one.  If I got 10 A grades and a B on my school reports, they'd concentrate on the B that I got and ignore the successful parts of the report.

I do not blame my parents for what's happened to me mentally, they did what they did because they thought that would stand me in good stead.  They weren't to know that I would subconsciously collapse under the pressure of expectation.  A lot of that expectation I have put on myself too.  The CBT has helped a huge amount to let me get over that, at least in part.

I'm pretty sure that this is why I've lost more than 4 stones on 4 different occasions in my life.  If I'm not "failing", I'll go out of my way to make sure I do.  I'm hoping that number 5 will be the last time I lose a large amount of weight. 

The hypnotherapy session has already paid off at least 6 times.  By that I mean that I have successfully fought off the urge to binge on 6 different occasions in the 11 days since I had my session.  That sense of achievement and the power to say no has been wonderful, so freeing.

There have been times that I haven't been able to say no, but I guess that's always going to happen.  It's about learning to draw a line under it, and forgive yourself, and move on.  That is behaviour that can be learnt.

So this week, here are a couple of snaps of meals I've had.

Smoked river cobbler, with mixed leaf salad and sun-dried tomatoes (definitely worth the syns).
I used balsamic vinegar as a dressing.  Just 2.5 syns for the yummy tomatoes

<< Pasta and tuna with little gem lettuce, pickled onions, 2 syns worth of sun-dried tomatoes, grated carrot, red onion and 1.5 syns of lighter than light mayonnaise.

>> 3 Tesco Healthy Living 1 syn Cumberland sausages, two bacon medallions, Slimming World chips (1.5 syns of oil), beans and an onion omelette.

And the result of this week's efforts?  A nice, healthy weight loss !

Plus I got a lovely little cuddle with this beautiful young lady.  This is Grace, 3 weeks old and just perfect.  She's the daughter of another Slimming World member.  A lovely way to start the weekend.

Today, I've started a new plan.
I'm abandoning my Saturday treat night and trying to keep to 15 syns a day (I'm on 25 officially).  But the biggest change I'm going to make is that I am going to use my syns for cooking.  I believe that the best way to stick to any sort of diet is to make it feel as much like normal eating as you can.

The picture with the sausages above was my dinner, 4.5 syns in total.  And tonight, I had some of the curry my wife cooked. With the oil and the curry sauce, my portion came to 6 syns. 

I've had a small Skyr yoghurt too - 1 syn (high in protein and delicious)






I've got some vegetable and chicken soup to have for the next few days.  I'm going to do some "cooked breakfast in tupperware" to take to work.  Then it's just a case of planning the evening meals.  I'll let you know what I get up to :)

Stay safe, and forgive yourself if you falter.

Happy New Year

Hello again

So it’s been a bit longer than intended since my first blog…sorry.

The first weigh in of the New Year came on 2^nd January.  I’d only gained ½ lb since Christmas Eve! I was chuffed to bits.  That made the December gain 17½lbs, but that had a really bad spell of binge eating, a bad chest infection, Christmas, and my birthday.  It’s a big gain in 4 weeks, but it’s not the end of the world.

I started the following week, if I’m honest, only semi-determined.  There was still a lot of temptation, a lot of goodies at work and at home, and a few days the demons got the better of me.  I think the good days won 4-3 over that week.  The bad days were just non-stop munching on sweets and biscuits at work.  However, when the Monday came around I made it back to the gym for the first time since 7^th December.  That felt good!!  

On the Wednesday evening, I had my first ever hypnotherapy session.  It’s something I’ve wanted to try for ages, to see if it could help to give me the strength to fight the binge eating and the self-loathing.

It was just brilliant! First session is doing a lot of groundwork, giving her all the information from me and my past, so she knows what she's dealing with. It is therapy after all, not magic :)

It's nothing like TV or stage hypnotism so forget that if that's your idea of how it was.  It was more like diving into the depths of your mind being guided by somebody’s voice.  The mind is hugely powerful, just imagine what it would be like if we could get it working for us instead of against us.
I already feel stronger. So much so that I went from the firm plan of pizza, chocolate and crisps as a "reward" for going, to coming home and having my syn free pasta bolognese!

One thing she said to me is to try and break the habit of calling my inner saboteurs “demons”.  She told me to try and think of all of the conflicting thoughts as different parts of me that all want the best for me.  It’s just that the part of me that reaches for the bad food thinks it’s comforting me, it’s trying to make me feel better or rewarding me by giving me things that it knows I enjoy eating.  It doesn’t know that it’s hurting me, and it doesn’t mean to.  It’s given me a totally different perspective.  

More gym classes on the Thursday and the Friday, then Saturday morning was upon me, and it was time for weigh in…..

I wasn’t massively confident, I knew I’d eaten a lot of things that I shouldn’t, and that I was well over my Syns allowance (Slimming World thing for those who don’t know), but my meal choices had been much better.  So what was the result of this iffy week?  A 1½ lb loss! What a pleasant surprise, and just the boost I needed.

I think the lesson I had reinforced that week, and one that many others can take comfort from, is that you don’t have to be bang on it to lose the weight.  Keep trying, don’t let one bad meal make a bad day, or one episode with the biscuits lead to a massive pizza (or whatever meal you’d go to for “comfort”), and don’t let one bad day make a bad week.

4 good days, 3 bad….still led to a weight loss.

Take things an hour at a time if that works.  If you find yourself heading for the chocolate, set yourself a limit.  “OK, I really want the chocolate, it’s half past 2….if I still want it at half past 3, then have it”.  That might sound defeatist, but let’s be realistic.  No one is going to be 100% on plan forever.  Think of the long game.

WEEK COMMENCING 9^th (my weigh day is a Saturday, that’s my day 1)

I used a lot of syns at the weekend, but I had planned to.  I did pay for it though, as the demons took this as a way in….does anyone else feel like that?  If you can keep them out, you’re ok.  But give them an opportunity to mess with your head and they’ll go for it?  

So Monday started off well, I’d cooked a healthy syn free breakfast casserole (basically a type of pastry-less quiche with onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, potatoes, bacon, beans in it), and syn free pasta Bolognese.  I also had fruit, carrot sticks with reduced fat hummus (worth the syns!) and plenty of water.  However, mid afternoon came along and the call of the afternoon trolley was irresistible.  That led to a pie, a packet of crisps, a chocolate bar, loads of biscuits….all before I left work.  Then on the walk back to the car….a big bag of Minstrels.  I was disgusted with myself.

I still went to the gym that night, did a Body Pump and a Body Combat class.  Before I went in, I was convinced I would be heading to the Pringles and Chocolates afterwards.  But I didn’t, I just headed home!  I was so pleased with myself! 

Even then, I managed to spoil it.  I had some Stollen before bedtime, and then still went looking for more sweet stuff.  I even went looking at some cake that was well past its best.  If it had been even remotely edible, I’d have eaten it.  But I threw it away.  That’s not an achievement though, that was purely because I couldn’t have it. 

I went to bed feeling like I’d been 4-0 down at half time, fought all the way back to 4-4…..then gave away a last minute penalty.

It’s almost like I’m scared of success, like I have to do something, anything that will make me feel bad about myself, or make me feel like I’d failed.

Now the good news…

It’s currently 10pm on Wednesday 13^th January and I can say that I have been totally on plan for the last two days.  Not one piece of unplanned food has passed my lips.  I’ve walked past the biscuits and the sweets all over the place at work, I’ve ignored the goodies trolley every time it’s come along, and I’ve had healthy food all the way.  

Of course, it’s way too early to say that the hypnotherapy has worked completely, but I am putting this step in the right direction down to the after effects of my first session.

Keep on going, keep on trying.  Even if it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back, it’s still progress.

I’ll be back on Saturday.  Goodnight

Mental battles are very real

Hello 

I'm hoping that this will not only help me, but help others too. 

I've had a lot of feedback and lovely comments from people who have been following my progress.  They have helped me celebrate the success, but also have found solace and strength in my slip ups and the open and honest way that I deal with it.  So rather than just Facebook posts, I thought I'd start a blog. 

I am a Slimming World member.  I believe in the plan completely, and I know if I follow it, I lose weight.  One thing my Slimming World consultant says to me each weigh-in is "Is there anything to stop you this week?" and my reply is always the same...."Only my head" 

You see, I have a lot of issues to deal with each and every day.  When my mind is calm, everything is straight forward.  No amount of temptation makes me want to eat, I have no problem walking past the biscuits at work or popping into the shop for milk and not buying chocolate when I'm there.   

If you're interested, I go into great detail about "Battling The Demons" in a previous blog -

https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=123550312962645255#editor/target=post;postID=2393252797462241529;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=3;src=postname

This is not a self-pity, woe is me post. It's me living my life on the outside for all to see. I've had a really bad month health wise. Physically I've had a bad chest infection and still have the annoying cough that pisses everyone off. 

That led to me relaxing on the food plan, and those food demons got loose again. I've had my worst spell of binge eating for many years and as a result, I've put on.......

17 pounds in 4 weeks !!!!!

My blood sugars have been way too high, my internal body workings have been awful, IBS attacks, extreme fatigue, no desire to do anything......and the vast majority of this is related to all that crap food that we call treats.  Not only is it food that isn't very good for anyone, as a diabetic it pushes my BG up, and that in itself makes me feel unwell.

They are treats when you are sensible and have a little bit every now and then, it's fine.

But to a binge eater, that first biscuit can lead to the whole packet, that first chunk of chocolate will lead to the whole bar, when we have one Pringle we really can't stop.

It's so similar to addiction it's easier to treat it the same way. An alcoholic can't usually just have the one drink, so why do those of us who suffer from binge eating disorder feel like we've let ourselves down when we go over the top because we had "just the one" sweet / biscuit / cake?

I'm not going to be all Bah Humbug, though. However I'm going to be a lot more aware of what I eat over the next few days. Try and limit those "off plan" episodes and eat healthy in between the Christmas dinner and my birthday buffet on Tuesday.

If you see someone who is struggling, help them, don't criticise them for withdrawing or wonder what it is you've done or said.

I love and dread this time of year in equal measure.   

Enjoy your Christmas, I will

Enjoy your family and friends, I will

Try to look at any weight gain as though you've just spent some of the lbs you've been saving up all year.

I was 24st1 at my heaviest.  Even after gaining so much in the last month, I'm 21st9 now.  That's still a large step in the right direction!

If you want to join me, hit the follow button, or catch me on Instagram -

https://www.instagram.com/slimmingworld_graham/ 

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas, and a happy and healthy 2016