Isn’t it funny how you find things that help you, then stop doing them? 

 

This has been the way of life for me for the last few months now.  But rather than a post of self-pity, this is one of hope.  It’s not an expectation, and the path ahead will be tough and, at times, require me to be brutally honest with myself and others around me.

 

Something happened to me yesterday, and I feel all at sea today. 

 

I’d had a good day on the food front.  I had fruit for breakfast, left over cottage pie for lunch, and a packet of crisps from the afternoon snack trolley at work.

 

The positive part of this is that I have confirmed that crisps are actually a big trigger for me.  They are a comfort food, and one that just makes me want to carry on eating.  It’s what happened after this just goes to show how different approaches and different plans can be right and wrong at the same time.

 

I got the urge, the demons started talking……….

“Here we go!!! We’re in and he can hear us again…..EAT EAT EAT EAT!!!!!”    

 

It was mid-afternoon, and I needed to get a few things from the shop.  Just basics like potatoes, milk, spread etc. but the voices were screaming FEEEEEED USSSSSSS!!!!!!

 

I stood there, looking at the crisps, the chocolate….wandered round to the cakes and lovely stuff in the fridges.  I fought off the urge and went and brought crabsticks and a big tub of grapes.  That felt good!! I bought stuff that is Slimming World friendly (zero syns). I’d seen off the demons …. or so I thought.

 

This illness is a devious, deceitful, manipulative monster.

 

On Wednesday evenings, I attend Overeaters Anonymous.  It has the same 12 steps and 12 traditions that other programs like Alcoholics Anonymous use for recovery.  Binge Eating Disorder is frighteningly similar to alcoholism or a drug dependency.  You do feel out of control, like someone else is pulling the strings.  You think illogically and make decisions that any sane person wouldn’t.  So the 12 steps program fits well with that pattern of behaviour.

 

At yesterday’s meeting, I sat and listened to one member who talked about how, at their worst, they could binge on absolutely anything.  Whether it’s carrots, or sprouts, or beans, or apples, the pattern of behaviour and the unhealthy relationship with food is exactly the same as if it had been chocolate, or ice cream, or sweets, or whatever food it is you turn too.

 

It taught me that a healthy eating binge is still a binge.  It’s the compulsion and not the choice of food that is the behavioural issue that needs addressing.

 

I’m also a member of Slimming World.  It works, it’s a great plan and I believe in it completely.  I enjoy the food I eat and lose weight when I’m on plan and I’m going to carry on following it.  I also enjoy the social side of it, and the new food ideas I get from other people.

 

However, I will have to carefully combine the SW plan with my Binge Eating recovery.

SW says that you should “fill up” on “free” foods until you’re satisfied and comfortable. 

For me though, there’s no “Off” button.  I don’t get that message that says “OK, that’s enough for me, I’m full”.  My brain will go into overdrive and compel me to eat and eat and eat until I have reached that point of feeling bloated, over-full, uncomfortable, fat and mentally destroyed.

 

The grapes and the crabsticks that I bought were inhaled (all of them) in around 15 minutes.  I wasn’t hungry, it was a compulsion to eat.  I didn’t need them and even though the SW plan correctly allows them, it was still an out-of-control binge and not part of my planned food for that day.  Even though I had the strength to buy healthier food, I was powerless when it came to eating sensibly.

Physically, it wasn’t as damaging as a chocolate binge, but mentally, it was exactly the same pattern of behaviour.  If I don’t address that repeating pattern, the willpower that steered me to grapes instead of crisps won’t win out every time.

 

So, the demons won.  They demanded to be fed, and I fed them. I lost.  Yes, I may have hit a 30-yard screamer that will be remembered, but the demons still won the match.

 

How I can tell that they won is because after the OA meeting, I stopped at the shop again, and got all the stuff that I wanted but didn’t buy earlier in the day.  The demons had their foot in the door, and I was powerless to prevent it.

 

The sense of hopelessness and failure that follows a binge is all part of the cycle.  The guilt sets in, then the need to restrict eats away at you.  Eventually, the restrictions you place on yourself become unmanageable and you crack……the demons start on at you again and you head back to the start of the binge cycle.

 

Like any cycle, it’s hard to break and that’s why I am attending OA.  It will help, it has to.

 

The other thing I took from last night’s meeting is that a trigger food isn’t always going to be a trigger food, and a safe food may not always be safe.  This is why you constantly have to review where you are and how the relationship with food is. 

 

The same person I talked about earlier said that they have had to put strawberries on their “red list”, because when they’ve been eating them, it’s led to unhealthy thoughts and danger signs started flashing.  After reflecting, they noticed that the same thing happened the last time they’d eaten strawberries.

 

It’s not the food itself, it’s the behaviour that led to the binge and the reaction to the binge that is the part that needs to be tackled.   Strawberries may well go back on to their “safe list” at some point, but for now they’re a no-go area to them.

 

I’m at Step 1, I’ve reached it and accepted it. Step 1 is to admit that I am powerless over food, and that my life has become unmanageable.  I am not absolving myself of blame by saying this, I am saying that I need help and I can’t do it alone.  Left to my own devices, I might stay well for a while but it will come back eventually.  Willpower only carries me so far, it’s not a total defence and never will be.

 

For more information on Overeaters Anonymous, please visit www.oagb.org.uk (unless you’re in another country, then go to the main website which is www.oa.org)

 

There are a lot of references to God in the literature, but if you’re not religious, don’t let this put you off.  It’s most definitely got a spiritual rather than religious base.

Your “higher power” may be a cat for all it matters. 

Above all else, you have to do whatever it is that helps you get through your battles.  Admitting you've lost the battle today does not mean you're beaten, it just means you've lost the battle today.

If you have the strength of willpower that carries you all the way to your goals without needing much in the way of outside support, then you are a wonder.  If you can bottle it and sell it, put me down for the first bottle!!

If you're like me and lose the plot occasionally, then hate that you have lost the plot, and then hate yourself for not being able to sort yourself out, then keep searching.  Help is out there, don't try and battle on alone.  Reach out and find whatever works for you.  Overeaters Anonymous may work for me, I hope it does.  

Keep going.